My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
You Might Also Like
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)