My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Duolingo getting serious.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw