Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I need this for my side hustle.

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one