My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Hell yeah 👍
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best