Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah