Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.