Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

Ken is short for chicken

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.