My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”