My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My dad teaching me to drive
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
