Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By Kate Hatos

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.