My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Who says great literature is dead?
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”