My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Salad is the decaf of food.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.