My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
We have a winner.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.