My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
#JohnTravolta
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]