My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
ACED my prostate exam!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Lmao
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Lmao the reply
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
grotesque if literal: baby food
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy