my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.