my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
good morning
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Reporter: *ports again*