My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My work here is don’t.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
