My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
c’mon!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download