My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face