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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”