Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Is this a threat?

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…