Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

thats my bad

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Talk about a bad egg

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.