Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?