My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
calling in to work dehydrated
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
being a writer on Twitter:
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
There’s never enough good news
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”