My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.