My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.