My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Lmao
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”