My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
You Might Also Like
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Previously On Persistence 😎
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system