My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
All. The. Damn. Time.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Breaking news:
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
