My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
