My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
