Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*