Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work