My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded