Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.