I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
computer: re-enter password
computer: passwords do not match
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto