A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
(more comics:
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…