My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no