My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
based al yankovic
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.