Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

Winnipeg!!

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Attacked by a mop.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.