Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Winnipeg!!

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

😭😭

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

black phone good

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Cause of death: Zumba

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee