My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I have so many questions.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules