My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
i’m still crying at this
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*