My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 馃槉” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I am HOWLING at this
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
knights of the ikea table
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I鈥檝e walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Math at Halloween.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses