Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.