My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Breaking news:
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
*seductively eats two tums*
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.