My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
His flabber was gasted 😂
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
certified hallow’s eve classic
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him