My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I put the h in mysterious.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Netflix: We have Less
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️