My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy đ” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
My mum stayed with us recently and couldnât help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded âMum, Iâm 53.â
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school seĂąor.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] iâm calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Windows
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
How do you ask a friend if sheâs a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and thatâs for sure a third eyelid.
telling people youâre single:
⢠âyouâll find someoneâ
⢠âhave you tried tinderâsaying âmany have tried to date me and all have failedâ:
⢠mystical
⢠empowering
⢠sword-in-the-stone vibes
Weâre finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man itâs cuz you got them bone hands
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*