My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.