My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
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my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.