My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care