Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Well, that didn’t work.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.