My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.