My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.