My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.