My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
saving face 👀
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea