Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

Made something I’m not proud of

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

goldfish mafia