My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Strange
