My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
sweet dreams💖
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room: