My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder