Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.