My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My new favorite headline
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*