Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

Nothing to do, you say?

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.