Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.