@ohpegah
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
@Parkerlawyer
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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@ohpegah
@bobvulfov
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
@vanluvz1
Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.
@briancthayer
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
@_GrahamPatrick
LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.
LIAM NEESON: Nope!*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*
@AnkCoupleTO
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
@dullandwicked
I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.
@Marlebean
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
@WGladstone
My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
@TheAlexNevil
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!