Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”
[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
me: wait why is the T silent
“And why did you join our gym?”
??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think