@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

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@Snarfernini

Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned

@Timothygriff317

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@drayzze

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Doorbell repairman.”

@AlanFelyk

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

@ClichedOut

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

@thatdutchperson

“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked

@FredTaming

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think