@toastymoe: Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please . Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@ChicksRule: When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach. That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

@squirrel74wkgn: I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

@elle91: [Interview] Boss: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm a risk taker B: Can you give an example? M: *Passionately kisses boss* B: omg

@Phreemann: [security patting down mouse] "Any cheese on your person, sir?" [waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand] "He's clean."