@FadeAway2: Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she's wearing 5" or 6" heels. She knows exactly what, 6"+ looks like.

@mrjohndarby: [before meditation] I just wanna kill someone [after meditation] and I know EXACTLY how

@ipalatsky: Old superstition: When wife laughs at your jokes: It means you have guests in the house.

@sixfootcandy: [dental office] Me: I'm going to need some laughing gas. Receptionist: Your appointment isn't for 3 months. Me: Is that a yes?

@TheCatWhisprer: Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.