@CoryBooker
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
@Parkerlawyer
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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@CoryBooker
@geraintgriffith
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
@karencheee
Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day
@Swishergirl24
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
@dubstep4dads
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
@JoshMankiewicz
@Ziweeee
mood
@msmollybee25
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
@MomOnFire
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
@MissMalbec
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.