@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

You Might Also Like

@ohpegah

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

@_GrahamPatrick

LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.
LIAM NEESON: Nope!

*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!