My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
it was love at first sight
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today