My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
reviewed some movies recently
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Just got to our Airbnb!
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*