My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
You Might Also Like
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
make up your mind
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.