My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Saturday
