My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
This rocks
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears