My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.