My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
According to math, I’m broke
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.