My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*skinny dips into black hole
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?