My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
You Might Also Like
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.