My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM