My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure