My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Personal question. #JustSaying
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap